Small Update

I am a bad blogger and I know it.  I havent been wanting to express my feelings because some of them arent very nice.  So just a quick update in bullets:

• We got our license in the mail for foster care.  We are officially ready for kiddos
• We have 1 vial of donor sperm left and I am terrified to use it for IUI for fear that it wont work and we will have nothing left
• I want to do IVF more than anything but dont have the money
• My heart hurts

2011 Holiday Cards from Shutterfly

Last year, I ordered my holiday cards from Shutterfly.  I used a wedding photo of my DH, myself, and his kids.  It was a perfect way to make sure everyone had one of our wedding photos from July.  I cant wait to order again this year.  The quality of the cards is amazing, the colors are so vibrant and they just "pop" right off the page.  My dilemma this year is deciding what photo to use but then I cant wait to pick which card I want to use.  Some of my favorites are the Frosty the Snowman, the Sparkle Joy, and the Flurry of snowflakes
Shutterfly has photo books, photo gifts, and calendars.   Check back soon on my blog for a chance to win 25 free holiday cards!!

Our New Adventure

August 20, 2011 our new adventure began.  We have started Pride classes to become licensed foster parents.  We live in Illinois and they require 27 hours (9 weeks) of classes in order to become licensed.  Our classes end on Oct 22 2011 and as long as we pass our homestudy (which I dont think will be a problem) we will be licensed.  In class, we have covered everything from "Why do we want to be foster parents, the history of our family, how we have dealt with loss, meeting developmental needs in children, and discipline and punishment.  Saturday marks our 7th week and we will be discussing maintaining family relationships and terminating parental rights.  I am looking forward to the next 3 weeks, I think it will really start to get exciting.  At our last class, the licensing workers will be there to answer all of our questions.  At that point DH and I will have to have a firm grasp and understanding of what exactly we are wanting.  We dont care about the sex of the child, but we definately want an infant, the younger the better.  And we would take sibling groups or singles, and probably 2 children to start out with.  We can always change our mind or if they have 3 siblings that need placement we would consider taking all 3.  I will update as I know more.
In other IF news, I spoke to my doctor about doing our last IUI.  I explained that this would more than likely be our last try and I wanted to do everything possible to increase my chances without costing me thousands of dollars.  We are going to do 200 mg of Clomid daily and do a trigger shot for ovulation.  The previous 2 IUI's were just Clomid, no shots.  I also found a complete box of Menopur leftover from my failed IVF that hasnt expired yet so I am going to ask about taking the Clomid and doing a week of injections of Menopur to increase the size of my follicles. (If that is even possible or not, I am not sure.)

Where Do We Go From Here

It has been so long since I have posted.  I havent really felt like documenting my feelings.  After our 2nd failed IUI, I am losing hope of being a mom.  We dont have the money for another IVF.  I wish our fertility clinic would have been more upfront with us after DH's surgery and let us know that his swimmers werent swimming.  They werent strong enough to fertilize the egg and make them divide properly.  Had we of known this, we would have went with donor sperm for our IVF.  Now I have no baby and 10K plus in medical bills for our failed attempt.  Our IUI's have been with donor sperm but we havent had any luck.  I need some live sperm people!!!  It's like I want to post an ad in the newspaper for someone to come with us to the clinic and donate but how exactly do you advertise for that!!  We have 1 more vial of donor sperm left to try another IUI but we are losing hope.  I know it only takes one and all that bullshit but we are trying to be realistic.  Trying not to get excited and hopeful to only have another crash landing with emotions.  I cant imagine not being a mom.  That is the only thing I have ever known, ever since I was a child I knew I wanted to be a mom.  Heck, I didnt even care so much about having a husband as I did having a child. 
So now we are left with "what is our next move".  The only thing we can come up with is getting a loan for IVF with donor sperm (and then having to file bankruptcy because we cant pay it back and our other medical bills), living child-free (which seems completely out of the question and so unfair), or possibly foster parenting.  A couple of my friends are foster parents and they said you can foster parent with the possibility to adopt.  All through DCFS and minimal costs.  But what about the emotional cost???  How do you have a child in your home for a certain length of time and then have it ripped away?  That seems unbearable...  I have been doing alot of research and reading alot of blogs.  So if anyone has any feedback or advice, feel free to give it.  Just please be gentle, my heart is already broken.

2nd round IUI BFN

I havent blogged for a long time.  I havent really been up to it.  But just for my records, we did our 2nd IUI and got another BFN.  Insemination was May 12, 2011 and AF arrived on May 27, 2011.

So, in 5 months, we have endured IVF-BFN
and 2 IUI with donor sperm- BFN

Problem with Blogger?

For the past 4 days, under my profile where it used to list the blogs I follow, it is all blank now.  It says that I am not following anyone.  So I have gone to blogs that I follow, and try to follow again (thinking somehow things got deleted) and it wont let me.  It says I am already following them.  But it isnt showing up in my reader.  Help!!!  Anyone else having that problem?

BFN

Guess I will test in a few days again.  I have 6 days before my scheduled period.  But today is 14dpDIUI.


***UPDATE***  AF arrived this afternoon.  Guess it is round 2 for us starting today.