Thursday, November 11, 2010

This is a BITCH/RANT post, you have been warned!!




I am going to start by saying this is my blog and if I feel the need to complain or bitch, I am going to.  This is supposed to be my outlet for everything I am feeling and going through.  And right now, I am definately feeling something.
I know that I am extremely lucky to have some insurance coverage.  There are many people out there that have no coverage at all and pay everything out of pocket.  But then there are some people that have unlimited coverage.  I am one of the ones that has a $10,000 lifetime coverage and we all know how far that gets in a cycle.  Not even the whole cycle and no meds. And my husband has to have a TESE performed and none of that is covered.  Well I eventually got all my numbers figured out on how much I would need to borrow for our loan to cover all the differences, called the bank and they wont loan it without collateral.  I have my car title and can use that.  But what happens if my car gets wrecked?  Am I just out no money and no car with a loan to still pay off??  I guess I just wish there was a guarantee with IVF.  The only thing keeping us from having a baby is my husband is shooting blanks, nothing wrong with me.  So once he has his surgery, things should be a go.  My RE seems to think we have a very good chance getting preggo, but how do I know they dont say that to everyone.  It is like I want them to put back like 5 embryo's so hopefully at least 1 will stick.  Because I know for a fact this will be our only chance at a pregnancy.  My husband and I are newlyweds, just starting out.  We have a house and he has 3 kids from an earlier marriage.  And unfortunately, I didnt know any better when I was younger and thought I needed to travel and have all these nice things.  Problem is that I paid for it all with a credit card.  Now I am thousands of dollars in debt and paying ridiculously high interest for all my fun I had when I was younger.  God, how I wished I would have listened to people when they told me to shred those credit card approval forms.
So that brings me to my current situation.  No money saved, no baby, and almost 35.  I have been sitting this evening questioning how my life ended up like this.  Like how did I get to this point??  Most women dream about their prince charming coming, marriage, and a family shortly after.  All by the time they are 25-30yrs.  I have an amazing husband and I am lucky for that.  But I cant help but wonder if I am being punished for all the bad or wrong things I did when I was younger.  Wrong boys I kissed, wrong boys I picked, lying to my parents about the wrong boys.  All the crap I did.  How did I get here?  I have always dreamt about being a mom.  I cant imagine my life without kids.  I was put on this earth to be a mom!  I have so much love to give.  How do I go on with my life if that isnt what God has in store for me?  I cant imagine there being a purpose.
How do you go into an upcoming cycle already having doubts.  That has to be a bad sign.  Like it is doomed from the very beginning.  It's not like this isnt already the hardest thing we will do, it will get harder with a BFN.  Now dont get me wrong, I would give anything to be a mom.  Any amount of money in the world. I just wish it was a guarentee.  Like why go through everything if for nothing?  How do I know what to do?  I guess I kinda just answered my own question.  How do you NOT go through with it for a chance to be a MOM?

3 comments:

  1. Wouldn't it make everything so much easier if you knew it would work for sure? Girl, you're not alone...we all have days like this. Vent it out, scream, cry, get it out but know that you're not alone!

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  2. I just found your blog...everything you wrote I felt 2 years ago. My hubby has low count/low motility. They did 2 surgerys on him with no improvment. Our only option was IVF. I didn't want to do IVF because like you said there is no guantee that it will work...we decided to adopt because I was guaranteed to be a Mom that way. However...the country we wanted to adopt from didn't work out and again I was a mess and decided to do IVF. We planned on trying multiple times not expecting the first time to work. We had to take a loan out of our 401K to do IVF. We paid for the whole cycle including meds (Insurance didn't cover a penny) It did work our first time and our daughter is now 2. Its a tough road and I totally know how you are feeling. I am praying for you guys.

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  3. I just wanted to give you a great big HUG

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