Thursday, July 28, 2011

Where Do We Go From Here

It has been so long since I have posted.  I havent really felt like documenting my feelings.  After our 2nd failed IUI, I am losing hope of being a mom.  We dont have the money for another IVF.  I wish our fertility clinic would have been more upfront with us after DH's surgery and let us know that his swimmers werent swimming.  They werent strong enough to fertilize the egg and make them divide properly.  Had we of known this, we would have went with donor sperm for our IVF.  Now I have no baby and 10K plus in medical bills for our failed attempt.  Our IUI's have been with donor sperm but we havent had any luck.  I need some live sperm people!!!  It's like I want to post an ad in the newspaper for someone to come with us to the clinic and donate but how exactly do you advertise for that!!  We have 1 more vial of donor sperm left to try another IUI but we are losing hope.  I know it only takes one and all that bullshit but we are trying to be realistic.  Trying not to get excited and hopeful to only have another crash landing with emotions.  I cant imagine not being a mom.  That is the only thing I have ever known, ever since I was a child I knew I wanted to be a mom.  Heck, I didnt even care so much about having a husband as I did having a child. 
So now we are left with "what is our next move".  The only thing we can come up with is getting a loan for IVF with donor sperm (and then having to file bankruptcy because we cant pay it back and our other medical bills), living child-free (which seems completely out of the question and so unfair), or possibly foster parenting.  A couple of my friends are foster parents and they said you can foster parent with the possibility to adopt.  All through DCFS and minimal costs.  But what about the emotional cost???  How do you have a child in your home for a certain length of time and then have it ripped away?  That seems unbearable...  I have been doing alot of research and reading alot of blogs.  So if anyone has any feedback or advice, feel free to give it.  Just please be gentle, my heart is already broken.